I believe and I have experienced during my still short journey with God that He teaches us life’s most valuable lessons through experience. I gave my life to Jesus Christ on 2nd February 2004 when I was 17 years old, so I am just 7 and a half year old in Christ. During this short journey He has taught me many wonderful lessons whenever I have learnt just like a child less than 10 year old. One of the most important lessons that God has taught me is ‘How to pray?’
One of the things that I have always struggled with is prayer even though I am aware of the need, importance and power of prayer. It has been easy to pray when everything is fine. But when there is a low tide, I have found that words left me speechless, emotions dried up my eyes and pain choked my heart. It’s not that I didn’t want to pray rather I couldn’t pray. I kept feeling alien to God. I didn’t want to complain, I didn’t have the courage to thank God for the mess, I was scared that I might anger God further, I was too afraid that I might hurt God by using hurtful words. I was like this with people too. If I was sad or hurt or angry with anyone, I would just stop talking. And it was not because I hated them rather it was because I just loved them too much that I was scared to hurt them with my words if I talked. Hardly did I know that I was hurting them more by my silence. My attitude was the same with God. And here it was worse because I love Him more than anything and anyone.
But my heart was uneasy. Every night I would lie in my bed and tears would roll down my cheeks and wet my pillow case. I couldn’t sleep for hours. When I woke up my eyes would be puffy and my heart still in pain. It felt as if I was living and yet, not alive. It was a stressful resistance. God’s love for me versus my love for God. Every night I could hear the Holy Spirit whispering to me, “Talk to God, He is waiting to listen to you”. And I would say quietly, “I can’t. I don’t know how to.”
Every moment I was awake, the Holy Spirit kept whispering to me, “God loves you. You haven’t talked to Him for ‘n’ days. He is sad and He is waiting.” I just ignored the still small Voice. Many a times, I would try to get over it by talking to friends and family or watching recorded soaps like FRIENDS. But that still small Voice never stopped.
Finally, one night it was difficult to sleep as usual. The still small Voice was louder than ever making a ruckus inside me. My heart was pounding madly against my chest. It was difficult to breathe. It was dark except for the streetlight. Tears started trickling down the corner of my eyes and my lips started quivering. I started weeping badly. I was completely broken. I said out aloud, “I know that You love me more than I love You and Your plans for me are much better than the plans I have for me. All I want is to love You, obey You and follow Your will. Please help me.” I don’t know how long I cried before I drifted off to sleep. All I know is that when I woke up the next morning, it was a more beautiful day and my heart felt light and happy. I knelt down beside my bed and poured out my heart telling God everything that had disturbed me during the past few days, I told God about all my doubts and fears. I could feel Him smiling. I know He was happy to listen to me talking and the still small Voice encouraged me not to keep anything from God.
God showed me through the Scriptures that godly men talked to Him. Moses who is considered the meekest man that ever lived openly told God about his doubts and fears and God allayed every storm that rose in Moses’ heart. God taught me that day that He is ever ready to listen to me and allay the storms of doubts, fears, pains and sufferings. The only thing He is not ready for is my silence and distance from Him.
God bless You.
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